Myrtle’s Not So Fertile

Things are moving S-L-O-W-L-Y in the IVF world.  After having a long talk with my ovaries on Monday I felt we were on the same page ovulation wise.  Basically I told them to shape up because we had a lot of work to do in the next month.  They responded with a “screw you, do you really think we are looking forward to getting a needle stuck in us and all our eggs to get sucked out?  We are going to take our sweet time.”  Touche’.

My Tuesday acupuncture appointment went great.  I told my acu I needed to ovulate and 30 needles and 20 minutes later, I felt some real action going on.  Ha, take that, you stubborn ovaries!  I noticed some pain around my left ovary and it just had to be getting ready to ovulate!  After about an hour the pain went away so I hoped that was it.

Over the next 2 days I focused on my floors.  My sanding is done and I was finally able to put down two coats of polyurethane in the kitchen and half the bedroom.  That means no matter where I go in the house, I’m overwhelmed by the smell of polyurethane and I think hubby and I are starting to hallucinate.  In fact, I’m probably going to put on Zepplin, sit on the couch and let my brain turn to mush.  Oh, wait, was that just a stork outside?  Should I check my doorstep for a basket?  No. It was just the headlights of hubby’s jeep pulling in the driveway.  Oh well, no baskets on the door step but he comes bearing food.  Always a good thing.  Food.  Or baskets.  What was I talking about?  I’d better open a window.

Anyway, I had replaced about 10 old maple planks with new ones and even though they are the same wood, 130 years puts a lot of character into wood that the new stuff couldn’t even dream of.  I needed to try to age to new wood so at least it wouldn’t stick out like a nun at a nude beach.  Suddenly I digressed back to chemistry class in high school (where, by the way, I learned about everything BUT chemistry, yay public school budget cuts!)  I started by boiling about 10 teabags in a pot of water and wiping the tea on the boards.  Pretty good, but not enough.  I decided to give coffee a try.  A little darker but still not aged enough.  Then I put aside the non-toxic crap and brought out the smelly, sticky, you-have-to-wear-a-mask-to-use-it stain.  After mixing 3 stains together and practicing on some extra maple boards I finally got my new floor boards to at least look like they belong.  I have to say, they don’t match exactly but they look pretty darn good!  Seriously, I need my own HGTV show.  The kitchen and half the bedroom are now done and they just need a few days for the finish to harden so I can move the furniture back.  I’ll do the other half of the bedroom this weekend and I should have the house back in order by the middle of next week.  Since we couldn’t sleep in the bedroom last night, hubby and I stayed in the living room.  He was on the floor and I took the couch.  The blanket I wanted to use was in the dryer and for some reason was still wet when I took it out.  So I’m laying on the couch (comfy to sit on, not so much to lay on) with the windows opened about 4 inches and I’m covered in a blanket that is still damp.  Oh, and everytime I started falling asleep, I couldn’t help but think it was actually me being suffocated by the smell of the poly.  I slept all of 3 hours with the cat staring at me the whole time.  Creepy.  Then I had to get up super early for another blood test complete with ultrasound. 

That’s when the fun began.  I like to sleep until the very last second which means I’m usually rushing around like a crazy fool trying to get out the door.  Of course it snowed yesterday and the nice fluffy snow that covered my car yesterday turned into crusty, icy snow today.  Great.  Let me get my chistle.  Now I’m tired, grumpy and cold and I found out the hard way that I ran out of washer fluid.  It was fun driving down the highway looking through the one clear strip on the windshield that was only made possible because I was behind a truck that hit a puddle.  I get to the lab and of course my info is wrong when I check in.  It always is.  I don’t know what they do when I give them my information.  I think they just start typing anything and hit save so the next time I go in my chart reads:kdoie fwierl, ksieiron kgiriidiwnt, sldfijeog.  Seriously.  They have to correct it every time.  And then they wind up re-entering me into the system all while telling me that I’ll have to have a new number.  Oh gee.  Since I have no idea what you are talking about and have never seen any of these “numbers” I’ll take your word for it and stand here for 20 minutes while you do exactly what the lady did the last time I was here.

First came the ultrasound.  The tech was looking a bit pissy and told me I was supposed to be there by 7:30.  Sorry, Nurse Newbie told me 8:30.  I’ll make sure I’m on time next time.  I guess that apology wasn’t enough because I could swear I saw her snarl and her eyes flash red when she turned away.  Hmm.  That can’t be good.  In the u/s room I did the whole undress from the waist down and wrap up in the sheet thing and lay down on the table.  It was the first time I was comfy in 24 hours and I joked to the tech that I would probably fall asleep.  She had other plans for me.  First, she asked if I wanted to put the wand in myself.  (Off topic: a wand is something fairy’s have to grant wishes, I think we need to find a new term for this thing.)  I thanked her for giving me the option and that this is the only bit of control in this whole process I have.  She responded with “Oh, you’re one of those.”  Yeah, lady.  I’m one of “those”.  I’m one of those people who believes that when someone else sticks that damn “wand” in my nether regions they probably don’t realize it actually hurts.  When I do it, I go a little slower so that it is more comfortable.  So, yeah lady, I’m one of “those” people who would like to find a little comfort in what is a mostly uncomfortable process.  Jerk.  It took all my restraint not to knock her over the head with the “wand”.  So I get it in ok and she grabs it and starts shoving it around like she was conducting Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries in Symphony Hall.  She obviously drives an automatic because she can’t handle a stick for crap.  Between my winces of pain I asked her if my ovaries were hard to find.  No.  They weren’t.  Then I was beginning to think she was trying to look at my throat because she was shoving that thing so far up inside.  Hey, lady, the “wand” doesn’t actually go INSIDE the uterus!  Geez.  I mean, if I look real hard I can practically see my ovaries from the outside, what the heck is she doing in there?  Next thing I know she’s pulling out the “wand” like she is unplugging a hole in a dam.  Youch!  So that was it, thank God.  2 follicles on my left ovary and none on my right.  So if I was sufficiently fertile like everyone else I know, this would have been my month to have twins.  OK, maybe not, but I felt like I was wasting those 2 lovely follicles.  Oh well.  Get ready, ovaries, next month you’ll have more follicles than you bargined for!

The blood test was uneventful.  I got a male tech this time and he was actually not completely terrified of me.  I kind of curled up on the recliner as he was putting in the needle and put my hand over my face (you know, in case I just can’t resist the urge to peek) and tech Pick Pick came by with a glass of cranberry juice.  Did I look that bad?  One vial later and I was off.

Later that night I get a call from someone at the clinic (I say someone because my usual IVF nurse is probably mad at me and Nurse Newbie is probably in a corner crying from our last conversation) saying I have to go back on Saturday by 9:30 for ANOTHER blood test.  OK, are there a bunch of vampires over there?  3 blood tests in 5 days and I haven’t even started stimming yet.  Oh well.  I’m hoping I’ve ovulated so I can get started on Lupron already.  Let’s get this party started!  Good news?  My poor bajingo gets a break since I don’t need an ultrasound.  Yay!