Archive for Hello, my name is Myrtle and I’m worried about everything.

A cramp cramp here, and a cramp cramp there…

I have to say, at 5 days past my 3 day transfer, I’m not feelin’ it. Or, more appropriately, I’m feeling it too much. I have been having cramps ALL DAY like you know what is coming any day now. I was a little crampy since the transfer but today was the worst. I woke up earlier than I have been so I could go to acupuncture. Crampy. My acupuncturist said my aura was really strong (that’s great, does it mean I’m pregnant?) and she loaded me up with needles, mostly in my head and ears. Yeah, it’s as gross as it sounds and believe me, I was so not relaxed during my 20 minutes of laying there like a pin cusion. Driving home, still crampy. My mom came over for a visit later this afternoon and by about 4:00 I was ready for her to leave because I could hardly sit up straight from being so tired. Oh yeah, and crampy. Now, I’m not getting too excited about the tired thing, I am on progesterone supps 3X a day but I am pretty nervous about the cramps. It feels like every other month before “She who will not be named” makes her appearance. Now, I’m sitting on my couch and I notice that the cramps are gone but I’m sure once I’m up and moving around, they will start again. I have heard conflicting opinions about feeling like this. Some people say it’s a great sign to have cramps now because it could be the embies implanting, and still others talk about how they got “you know who” early in their 2WW. So which catagory will I fall under? I was so nervous yesterday because I really didn’t feel much, but today it’s the total opposite. I have 2 HPTs in my bathroom and I’m thinking of using one tomorrow just to see. I know it’s super early, but hey, what’s a 2WW without peeing on everything in sight that looks like a stick? Oh, and my acupuncturist called me tonight to have me come in again tomorrow for a “holding treatment”. I wasn’t supposed to go in until next Tuesday. So now I’m freaked out even more. Is she so concerned that she’s having me come in 2 days in a row? I think I need to listen to my meditation cds or something.

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Ladies and Gents, step right up and see the amazing disappearing follicle!

That’s right, folks, my nine has gone down to 5. It’s a pretty decent 5, but who knows if any of them will even have a good egg inside. Needless to say, I’m pretty disappointed. I do have 10 maybe even more that are too small to measure but apparently they are too lazy to do much of anything but cheer the other 5 on. So here is the count. Left ovary – 17, 15.5 and 14 and right ovary – 15 and 15. OK, the 17 looks a little like the kid in class who always has his hand raised because he wants everyone to think he’s the smartest. Honestly, we don’t need 2mm bigger and don’t get any ideas to suddenly explode into a 21mm when everyone else is growing slow and steady. My E2 levels are 904 (I’m told that’s good but I really have no idea, I’m just glad it’s not through the roof and I’m at risk for OHSS) and my lining is 12mm. So I guess I could have worse news. I stay on the 300 of gonal-f and my lupron was upped to 10 again. I guess my RE doesn’t want anyone to get excited and ovulate on their own. I also have to go back tomorrow morning and get another check. That should be fun in the snowstorm we are having. Hubby offered to drive since his jeep has 4 wheel drive but I’d hate for him to get up so early. Of course, I’m looking out the window right now and it’s like a winter wonderland, so I might take him up on his offer. I’m really hoping for better news tomorrow. Maybe a follie or two were hiding at todays u/s. Or maybe one of the underachievers decided to step up. I just would hate to go through the retrieval and wind up with nothing. I’m trying to be positive about this but it starting to get hard. Plus, I still don’t feel well so that doesn’t help. Oh, well. I’m thinking by next week it will all be over and hopefully I’ll be cooking some good looking embies!

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Officially in the game!

So I started my cycle today and as I was holding the doctor’s phone number in my hand, I was sobbing my eyes out.  In fact, I’ve been crying all weekend because I knew this day was fast approaching.  I have to say, I’m absolutely terrified of going through IVF.  I mean, I thought I was scared with the injectable cycle, that was a piece of pie compared to this.  I think it’s mostly the unknown that I’m afraid of.  How will I feel these next two months?  Will I respond to all the drugs well?  Will I be able to handle the most difficult parts of the cycle?  Will it work????  OK, that’s the big question.  Will the past 5 years of trying all melt away because THIS is what I needed to get my positive?  It’s very possible that whatever is keeping us from getting pregnant is on a cellular level and apparently they can put a man on the moon and split an atom but they can’t figure out a fertility problem on a cellular level.  I remember my other RE telling me that sometimes the only way to know what the issue is is to look at the egg outside the body.  So that’s what is going to happen.  Maybe the problem was with fertilization.  Perhaps my eggs are old fashioned and need a formal introduction before they get chummy with any of the swimmers doing circles around them.  It’s possible they are just snobby and just need a little kick in the pants, so to speak.  Or in this case, a jab with a ICSI needle.  Maybe it’s something else.  Whatever to issue, I hope that this IVF cycle resolves it.  I want my baby. 

Anyway, back to me sobbing pathetically.  I calmed myself down enough to leave the nurse a message (I’m sure she’s not going to be rushing to call me back especially after she hears the “I’m freaking out a little bit…” part of the message) and then called the hubby.  Then my mom called.  After a little chit chat the conversation rolled around to me getting my period and her being disappointed.  She was so sure that we would get pregnant without help.  I think she really thought if she wanted it enough it would happen.  Hey, if that were the case, I would have 5 kids by now!  I think it’s going to take her a while to get used to the idea that her daughter needs to go through the “BIG” fertility treatment.  I’m sure she wanted a wonderful story about a miracle baby that was conceived naturally after years of trying and I would have liked that too, but the story is going to be a little different.  The baby will still be a miracle, I just had a little help.  I hope she will be able to put aside whatever it is she dislikes about fertility treatments and support me through all this.  As it is, I’m not telling most people about what we are dealing with.  Not only because it’s really no one’s business, but also since no one we know really gets what we are going through, all their advice is pretty much useless (and for some reason it’s the people who don’t know what they are talking about who have the most to say!)  So now I’m sitting here waiting for a phone call and getting ready for acupuncture.  Ah, yes, acupuncture.  I have to break it to my acupuncturist that we decided not to wait to see if the treatments could get me pregnant naturally.  If they didn’t, we would be out even longer and again, we have waited long enough.  So she has a month to prepare my energy to be in prime condition to have a couple of embryos snuggle in.  I’m thinking she’s not going to be too happy.  That’s not what I need, right now.  If she can’t just do her job without judging me for not waiting, I’m going to have to find a new acupuncturist.  We’ll see what happens.  I have less than an hour until I see her so I have to get a few things done.  I’m sure I’ll be updating soon, possibly tonight!

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