Archive for I’m a lucky charm…

I’m tired of being a lucky charm.

So I woke up this morning feeling great.  I had a wonderful night sleep (first one in over a week), my stomach felt good, I had a banana and my vitamin, basically my day started out perfectly.  I was planning on doing a lot of baking (did I mention I LOVE my new stove?) and I wanted to get some laundry done.  Well, as I was about to go out the door to run a few errands, hubby came home for lunch.  Yay!  I came back in with him so we could spend some time together and talk.  As I warmed up some bread that I had made the other day he asked me what an HSG test was.  Anyone who has been through fertility testing knows of the dreaded HSG.  It’s when the Dr. shoots dye through your uterus to see if it spills out your tubes on an x-ray.  Yes, it’s as uncomfortable (OK, that’s an understatement) as it sounds.  I asked if our friend (the wife of one of hubby’s co-workers who had a failed IVF cycle last year and was supposed to cycle again this month) had the test done.  I immediately felt sympathy for her…until…hubby tells me that the test probably cleaned her out because she is now pregnant!  Great.  Happy for her, VERY unhappy for me.  This was the only person I knew who had a fertility issue (unexplained like me, but they only tried for a year before they did IVF) and now she’s pregnant.  Not only am I doing this IVF cycle alone but the only other person who has even an inkling of understanding of what I’m going through is pregnant.  Now she is the last person I want to talk to about infertility.  I mean, she was able to get pregnant on her own!  Not that it’s not a miracle, but a year and a half is really not that long to get pregnant, especially when you look at my 5 years and other couple’s struggle for even longer!  Now I’m convinced hubby and I are good luck charms for all those looking to get pregnant.  All you have to do is be our friend or even spend time with us and BAM, you’re pregnant when you want to be.  It’s like we take on everyone’s potential fertility problems and they go on to be blissfully pregnant within months, yes, months of trying.  The past 4 people that I know that got pregnant did it in under 3 months.  I want a fertility lucky charm.  I’m done being one for everyone else.  In fact, I’m thinking that, to make a little extra money in this economy, I’m going to start charging all the girls I know who want to get pregnant a fee to be friends with me.  Hey, IVF is over $10,000; I’m a bargin.  So now my day has ended not in the happy way it started but in the miserable, feeling sorry for myself, convinced this cycle won’t work and I’ll be childless forever way that so many other days have ended.  My eyes are swollen from crying, my appetite is virtually gone and my chocolate chip cookies came out flat.  I just want to go to bed.  I hear stuff comes in 3’s, and I now have 2 friends pregnant.  I better be the 3rd.  If not, I’m moving someplace where all the woman are menopausal.

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And so it begins…

So this is my first official post.  I probably should have done this a long time ago, but it’s better late than never, right?  Anyway, I’m starting my first IVF cycle this month and I have been dreading it.  Now, I tend to wind myself into an anxious ball when it comes to unknown medical procedures and this one takes the prize.  I have been through the ringer when it comes to all the lovely fertility testing and have always come out intact and less traumatized than I would have thought.  I’m hoping I handle IVF the same way.  It’s funny, getting a positive pregnancy test seems so unrealistic, I’m just hoping that I don’t get any yucky side effects from the medicine and I don’t want to get sick from the sedation they use during the egg retrieval.  I almost forget sometimes that I’m putting myself through all this stuff for a purpose, a baby.  I’m still dealing with my anger at actually having to go through all this.  I mean, seriously, I count 5 of my friends in the past year who have gotten pregnant either within a couple of months or without even really trying.  I told my husband that I swear we are lucky charms for people who want to start a family.  Like we take on everyone’s potential fertility problems so they can go on to have a happy and healthy 9 months and we are still struggling after nearly 5 years.  And I hate that not one gets it.  I mean NO ONE.  No one I know will ever understand the desire of wanting a baby so badly year after year that even though I’m having a conversation or I look like I’m engrossed in doing something, there is a part of my brain that never shuts off that is screaming for a baby.  My baby.  I keep telling myself that when I finally become a mother, I will cherish that baby in a way that only someone who has experienced infertility can.  Not that my friends and family don’t cherish their babies, they do.  But there is something in me that will be eternally grateful to finally be a mother.  I can’t explain it, it’s just something that comes from months and years of disappointment, sorrow, tears and frustration.  I have been hopeful only to have that hope dashed.  I have been so sad, so despondant that I wished I could lock myself in my room and never have to deal with the world.  But I didn’t.  I wiped away my tears, straightened my shoulders and faced the world head on, pregnant friends and all.  After 5 years, I’ve gotten pretty good at it.  The only thing is, I have also gotten pretty good at never expecting the good news to come.  So now that I am embarking on my IVF journey, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.  If I’m too hopeful, I could get disappointed again.  People telling me to stay positive have no idea how bruised a heart can get dealing with infertility.  And if I go into this expecting the worst, well, that can’t be good either.  I have to find a middle ground.  I will, it just might take me a while…

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